i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
