Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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