im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize