dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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