It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
