And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
