you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
