so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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