i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
