From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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