What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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