Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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