Don't make out with my wife yet
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
