I can text with my tongue
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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