Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
