We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
