dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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