I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
