My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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