I molested 6 butterflies tonight
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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