My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
even my farts smell like vagina
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
