Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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