with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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