All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
