Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
