If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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