my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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