i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize