Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
