and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
