Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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