K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
