She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
