I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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