i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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