it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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