I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
