ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
