how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
