Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
