i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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