3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
