I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
