i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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