We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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