Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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