So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
