How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize