wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
