He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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