I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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