the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
