Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize