The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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