If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
