I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize