My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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