i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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