i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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