So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I fill condoms, not promises.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
