You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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