my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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