When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
