i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
