I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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